I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
