i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
