I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
