Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize