Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize