JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
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