gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize