Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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