On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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