so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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