Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
