we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
