Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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