: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
