This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
