i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize