I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
