Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
