you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
