All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
