id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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