Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
