Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
