im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
