Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
