hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
