the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Found your dick twin last night
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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