she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
