I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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