Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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