4 words: hood of his car
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
