There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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