I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
