The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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