dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
