every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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