I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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