come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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