I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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