the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
