I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
