Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
