when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize