Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
