friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
