how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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