Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
