There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
