Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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