I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
