just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
