Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Send help, water and tortillas.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
