I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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