I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
