Your mouth is God's brothel.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
