I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
