Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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