I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
