I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize