I feel great
I just peed on a car
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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