I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
