I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
